Facing fears, making intentions & committing to 12 monthly challenges in 2025!
Remembering the forgetting & becoming who I want to be
This feels more confronting than sharing about the suicide of my friend to a huge audience. This feels scarier than being given 50 teenage boys for a full day to talk about masculinity. This feels more raw, vulnerable and exposing than anything I’ve ever shared.
Writing this has been a huge process in and of itself. Old memories have come to the surface. I’ve had realisations I wanted to put back in their box. But I can’t unsee what I’ve seen or forget what I’ve remembered, so what better way than to share it with all of you! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These are my major goals and intentions:
1) To ride a bike with confidence
50-odd years ago, my paternal grandmother Margo was riding her bicycle overseas. I will spare you the details, but a terrible accident followed, and she was killed. Fast forward to my childhood and I was never properly taught how to ride a bike. Over time, the fear and avoidance grew in me. “It’s as easy as riding a bike” is a thing people say. And this has been a major thing for me.
On Year 4 camp, we’re all given bikes and suddenly, I’m on one. Riding down a very steep hill, my body FREEZES. Even though I logically understand how to break, I pedal backwards in a panic before flying over the handle. As a young teen, my grandfather patiently tries to teach me to ride a bike, but I’m full of shame and hyper-aware of getting hurt, so a tantrum is thrown, and the door is closed.
It’s as easy as riding a bike is a thing people say. And this has been a major thing for me.
Burning Man appeals in my early twenties, but the inevitability of needing a bike to get around means I promptly shut this down. In my late twenties, a motorbike is presented to me in Thailand. I hop on, accelerate, terror hits, and I skid into a wall. A scar on my shin holds the memory.
Mid-2024, we’re in Greece, we rent quadbikes, and my anticipatory anxiety is huge. After a shaky 5 minutes of controlling my breathing and getting used to it, I got used to it. Although a breakthrough in some ways, the two-wheeler still holds fear and has been avoided since.
[Trying to look smooth but hanging on tight, Greece]
Riding a bike is an invisible (and at times visible) expectation from society. It’s kind of like when someone hasn’t seen a well-known film and people are outraged – “What…? You must watch it tonight!”. There are hundreds of classic films, just like there are hundreds of common skills. Not being able to properly ride a bike has given me compassion for people who struggle with other skills – those who can’t swim, read or write. AND at the same time, there is nothing stopping me other than myself and I am fully capable to do it.
I will ride a bike with confidence so I can teach my future children to do the same. More on that later.
2) To feel more secure in my body
At some point, I transitioned from being a regular kid to an awkward-feeling and chubby-looking teen. I was carrying excess weight around my hips, cheeks (upstairs + downstairs), stomach and chest. Regular visits to our local chicken & chips joint didn’t help. Fatboy Slim – British DJ and musician I listened to as a teen. Fatboy Slim – the way I viewed myself as a teen. I felt deeply insecure about my lack of muscle, definition and strength across my upper body, but I was even more insecure to do something about it. The idea of going to a gym was paralysing for me as I thought I’d just be seen as weak, dumb and non-masculine.
When I solo travelled through Europe in my mid-twenties, I was in a SERIOUSLY good paddock. Partying and booze, indulgent foods and limited exercise meant I was as heavy as I’d ever been when I met my now partner. In our first year of dating, she was baffled by my food habits – I was basically a non-cooking and non-caring carnivore cross carbavore (smashing cheap processed meats and smothering brie all over low-quality bread).
[Hanging with my temporary friend I found roaming the streets, aptly named Princess. Feeling round, 2017]
I’ve been affectionately known as the leftover king, seagull, pelican, garbage guts and more. On one hand, it’s funny, fairly accurate to this point, and I passionately hate food waste. I’ve brought it upon myself, but I also don’t want to tell myself this story going forward, because it will become my story.
I recently had a series of colonics – Shae Phillips is a magician at making the uncomfortable comfortable! – and it was revolutionary for me to truly understand what I eat, how I eat and what needs to shift. I’ve noticed I’m my best when I cook at home and eat with my partner, I’m solid when I cook and eat by myself at home, but my issues mostly emerge when I’m dining out with family & friends as I feel more distraction and less control.
Gradually, I’ve had to un-learn and re-tune my consumption habits. What coincided with this was meeting my OG PT – shoutout Renee Purbrick from the Ox Box! – who helped me move through my limiting beliefs around gym. No longer did I fear this environment or the people within it.
“Fatboy Slim – British DJ and musician I listened to as a teen. Fatboy Slim – the way I viewed myself as a teen.”
Naturally, this is all a journey, and sure, I still have physical insecurities – a belly that could be less soft, upper arms that could be less lean, but my self-talk is way less harsh, and I am not ashamed of my body when I see its reflection anymore. Beyond that, I see progress and I am proud of it. Gym is merely one pathway, and it isn’t the answer for everyone, but functional movement and training has been immensely positive for me thus far.
About 10 years ago, I attended Confest – an alternative lifestyle festival – where there’s probably more people naked than people on a substance at any one time. And on night one, I got naked. It was confronting for a bit, then it felt somewhat okay, then it felt weird to NOT be naked. It was a big deal until it wasn’t.
Just last month, I built up the courage to do something I thought was really confronting… To do something I ALWAYS felt insecure about… To wear a singlet. Well, the idea of this was big in my mind for a long time, but when I finally did it, it barely bothered me. NO ONE cared and everyone was in their own world at gym. And even if someone did happen to care, who cares? That shit’s on them, not me. Now, I wear a singlet all the time and it’s just not a thing for me.
I will keep building my sense of self and how I view myself.
3) To continually practice unlocking my creativity
Historically I’ve had a shtick with seeing myself as creator because I viewed it archetypically as only artists, performers and entrepreneurs. An epic mentor – Al from The Man Cave – helped me see we are all creators, I am the creator of my reality, and I am creative. It was super liberating to acknowledge I’m damn good at: creating effective systems (more in an upcoming article), creating a unique and fulfilling career path, and creating psychological safety with people I engage. I want to just create and play for the sake of it.
I will cook without recipes, move my body intuitively and design more bespoke work.
“Play equals a commitment to nonsense”, Hamish Blake
[Adult body, child mind]
4) To keep my ego in check
I used to work in the betting industry and no matter what I did or who I was deep down, some people judged me as unethical. Now I work in the mental health space, and I get automatic praise from people who don’t know a thing about me or my work. I was trying to do good in the world back then and I imagine I’ll do some ethically questionable things now and in the future. I’m sure there are ex-partners, former colleagues, old friends or distant family who don’t like me. I’m no angel, but I’m doing my best to be mindful of what I say, do and who I am.
I will keep reminding myself my work does not justify me or my actions; it is merely a part of my identity.
5) To cultivate quality interaction with my partner
It feels a bit ridiculous and embarrassing to say this as I love spending time with my partner, and we share so much. I can get obsessive with my work and lack presence though – especially in the evenings – and I don’t want to have sloppy quality time where we just co-habit our space. We get along like a house on fire, never seem to hold resentment over arguments and never really fight. We just bicker like an old married couple which has elements I find amusing and enjoy, but at times I get overly emotional, reactive or short (so I just bought a book on non-violent communication).
I will cap my evening work with alarms in agreement with each other and I will time-block my weekly calendar with intentional and undistracted time together.
[Two of the cutest munchkins ever, Japan]
6) To shift focus from the self so I can be selfless
Sometimes I can view relationships as a value exchange or a commodity to be traded – a lens I want to soften. With many people, I tend to find it easier to be interesting to them than interested in them. As I experience a more joyous and fulfilled life, my standards have risen, but so has my sense of entitlement. One of my main fears around being a parent is I/we won’t be the centre of my/our own universe/s anymore. There are times I get so hooked into a project that I don’t want to do the basic errands I need to do in my life, around our home or for our dog.
I will avoid demonising myself for these realisations and contemplations, but I won’t hide away from them either.
[D&Ms with mates]
7) To do truly hard, scary & uncomfortable stuff
I feel like I’ve come a long way here – I challenge myself more with independence, work, gym, hard conversations and other pursuits. Still though, I avoid some things that scare me, I don’t like, or I know I’ll likely have to be bad at. Unlike many people around the world in compromised or challenging situations, I’m fortunate to have a very safe and secure life. This can foster complacency, so I want to ensure I am actively seeking discomfort for growth.
The above intentions feel important, and I also wanted some more specific goals. Initially I thought I’d train for some big physical challenge, but then an even bigger and better thought came to me…
I AM GOING TO COMPLETE 12 MONTHLY CHALLENGES IN 2025!
I can say with confidence that confidently riding a bike will be one monthly challenge, but nothing else is locked in yet and the rest will be revealed in time.
Previously, I had a morning routine for ~15 months which included journalling + cold showers + stretching + meditating. Part of that was maintaining my daily gratitude + what-went-well journal… And by changing the way I looked at things, the things I looked at actually changed.
During lockdowns I did a 3-day water fast on a whim, and I drunk my own urine for about a week. You heard me. I’ve gone alcohol-free for a month or more on several occasions which felt fairly easy, but I recently went COMPLETELY sugar-free for a month which was bloody hard. I’ve swum in the ocean daily for over a year - and counting! – which takes work and is occasionally challenging but is mostly a pleasure. Earlier this year, I did a ‘3 hikes in 3 days across 3 states’ challenge with next to no training (which wasn’t smart) but I got through and it was a sick experience!
Some of those things I did by default, I was bored, or I was simply told to do it. Now I want to map this out more clearly to learn new skills, find my edges and be a better version of me.
[Getting steep, Mount Kosciuszko]
“By changing the way I looked at things, the things I looked at actually changed.”
If you’re wanting to do your own challenge, here’s where I got some momentum:
The monthly challenge videos of beloved Aussie legend Harry Garside and life-optimising friend Max Hertan have paved a path for me.
Nedd Brockmann, his book Fire Up and Nedd’s Uncomfortable Challenge are inspirational as fuck. Matthew McConaughey’s book Greenlights is a damn good read. Both are wild dudes who gave me some rocket fuel motivation.
Writing down a goal can make it more achievable. Sharing it with someone (or everyone) can increase the likelihood again.
So, what do you feel like you’re avoiding or suppressing? What feels too big, hard, embarrassing or scary? What do you feel like you can’t do, can’t do well, or believe you’re not meant to do? Who do you want to be or become? What commitment can you make RIGHT NOW?
This stuff is challenging to navigate solo, so if you want to do embark on any sort of challenge yourself, I’d be honoured to hear about it and to offer whatever support I can. And if you have any ideas for me, I am open to receiving ❤️